|cmt. [05 Oct 2009|04:33pm] [ music | MSI shuffling.. fantastic as always ] update! i can't even finish this sentence because i'm addicted to farmville and im trying to get money to afford hedges lmao. WOW. so, my original plan for this second year of college was to decide whether or not i wanted to stay here in orlando and get my degree from UCF, or transfer out to FIU and go back home. This has been consuming my brain for a few days because honestly i feel like its not even a question anymore: im not happy here. The only thing holding me back from going home is the fact that i know damn well that i am going to have to work a MILLION times harder to do well, and well i mean more than just my grades. The other day kristen was talking about moving in together next year in an apartment in kendal and like the fact that i know my dad will let me do that makes this so possible. I want to stay in orlando and succeed, and in a way i kind of feel like a quitter for wanting to go home, but eh i know im just being hard on myself. Not everyone is meant to leave and i know i had to, but im over it already. I needed to leave miami and come here to get better: i was a fucking mess and if i had never left miami who knows what would have happened.. all i know is it would have been horrible. i'm pretty certain i'd be in more than one of these positions: failed out of school, gotten kicked out of my house, arrested, OD: life pretty much in shambles. i had to get out of there to grow up and yeah i rolled like crazy this summer but i knew my limits; i know when i can fuck around and when i need to be serious. I know in miami its gonna be hard for me to not be doing a lot of stupid shit: shits gonna be everywhere and mad easy for me to get to; willpower is going to be key. I just really like the idea of being in my own place in miami; like its monday i just got out of class id ont feel like cooking, call mom "whats for dinner im coming over" and shit like that. I'll be able to work at jamba again, a job i love as to mellow i job i HATE, and i'll be around people i enjoy. yes, my two best friends are here, but like thats IT. if they dont wanna do something theres nothing to do and usually its just us chilin blazing and maybe drinking. In miami im actually social, which is healthy, instead of super to myself. I do get kinda lonely, luckily for me im a person who likes being alone. Idk i just dont like people here and i dont really like the way i feel here. in miami i didnt wanna do white at all and here im remembering why i used to do so much.. thats an obvious lack of happiness isnt it? also, its so much easier to just be me in miami. me and kristen decided we were going to try to give it a shot here this year: im not gonna spend the whole year like I HATE ORLANDO, im actually guna try and make friends this time.. this college shit just isnt for me. i dont like tailgating and drinking beer next to a bbq all day like a fat person and going to drink at someones apartment every night of the week.. that shits boring. this weekend i played boardgames cos im so over this shit. i just wanna be happy and ultimately im not here.. this year was the deciding factor: do it clean and do it right.. i think im doing it right and clean so far and yeah, i still dont exactly like it.. so why fight it. im a 305 girl hoollllaaa.

|cmt. [16 Sep 2009|12:40am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | inna ] haven't updated in like a month.. beeeeen busy!!!! so i'm back up in orlando, have been almost a month (can't believe it i feel like its been forever already) my new apartment is actually pretty chillen: its small and cute and i like that i pretty much get to decorate it. the roommate situation is whatever: shes really nice so i cant complain. i got this 27 year old studying to get her PHD.. talk about compatible lol school so far is going pretty good; im on point about it which is fueg. my first test of the semester tomorrow!! its my anthropology test and im pretty sure im going to ace it i know the review sheet in and out :) im so busy all the time, my life is honestly homework & school. the little free time i do have is like gym & ive started working again.. a little bit of partying here and there though.. duhh its me we're talkin about i need my vodka!!! my classes are good except for math, which is to be expected, and im already struggling but im going to get a personal tutor.. expensive but i guess itll be worth it in the end; this shit is seriously chinese to me!! URG!!! robbie rivera was A.M.A.Z.I.N.G and after seeing him live (right in front) im in love and im going to marry him.. lol.. that'd be amazing! i had mad fun in tally but i felt the need to stop having that type of fun for awhile; i literally felt my brain melt out from my ears. crazy huh? being here has been chillen, mostly getting shit faced with kristen lol.. ive gotten fat though, because i just got off this sickness and havent gone to the gym in over a week and basically since ive been back i havent gone to bed not drunk or stoned: no bueno. last night i had soo much trouble falling asleep it sucked! but im super tired right now so i guess thatll make up for it! i finally "put my fist down" the other day and im back to my good routine.. i just kept always being with people lol its not like im just blazin on my ass although when i was sick that was quite the thing to do.. blaze and eat everything in my fridge lol i miss my mom & dad! lifes so good and its awesome how much better things are with them. can't wait to go home to visit but i gotta wait until halloween.. i really cant afford to leave town with all the school work ive been having.. sheeeesh. my next countdown of exciting things is tiesto oct 16 :) its gonna be great i can't wait to have the crew here and ready to party woopwoop today i got an access card and i feel so important lmfaooo like.. let me show this card to this sensor and BAM let me in.. i mean its a gym and a game room but still.. i felt cool lol and on another note, im still waiting for shit to make sense =| the time will come right? like ive come to terms with it, i guess im just waiting for it to start.. if that makes any sense wellll i am going to bed now; class in the morning peace out future me reading this

|2 %%% | cmt. [08 Aug 2009|02:28pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | incubus <3 ] meeep. i've been so bored lol. i had the surgery i've been waiting to have FOREVER the other day and it sucks but like, i wanted it, so i can't complain. the pain wasn't really that bad i think the worst part is not being able to go to the gym; and it doesn't help that i weighed myself yesterday morning. and my dad gave me this pizza today and after my little brother was like "you know that has trans fat in it right?" i kind of freaked out lol. i know i'm annoying about it but whatever.. i'm determined to be exactly where i want to be i'm not depriving myself of anything because this is what i want lol. besides, i've got a lot of health to make up for.. i didn't exactly treat my body so good.. oops.. anyways, TWO WEEKS until i go back to school >.< no more 24 hour fitness :( i like that gym.. and stuff aaaaand i'm not excited to go back to class but whatever gotta do what i gotta do. i already ordered my textbooks yesterday :) since i've been so bored i ordered my DJ Tiesto tickets ($56 >.<) and my Deadmau5 ticket also :) woop woop. can't wait until Rivalry labor day weekend!! woooo robbieeee!!! i've been playing a lot of wow these past few days lol >.< n.e.r.d thas mah name. i had nothing better to write in here today oh well lol.. check back soon :)

|cmt. i <3 electroooo [22 Jul 2009|09:01pm] [ mood | creative ] [ music | living electro.. eeets fire ] i think it's funny the way life works out; i was dreading my court date this past monday like you dread getting cancer. i was freaking out and for what? NOTHING. it worked out perfect for me.. first i'm expecting to be there FOREVER just cos why would anything annoying go by fast for you? i walk in (late, of course) and the lawyer guy w.e gives me this paper like you were late, but here, i took care of it for you. just go to the program and do what you gotta do. i love kristen & raf forever for going with me. then i go to the program place expecting to pay like 250 dollars of something to re-register but, again to my strange luck, i only had to pay $25. life was good that day, all i had to do was stay positive and keep myself focused. now that problem is finally finished. my liver however, is still happy and high in enzymes; must check this is 6 weeks. YAY more needles and blood giving.. grr. on another note, july 21st was just TOO insane. not realizing what you are getting into is incredibly a BAD idea. i don't regret what happened but i know it was way too much for me to handle. i spent all of yesterday (after i had to leave work early) writing and reading online.. learning and expanding my mind. it was an experience to say the least. i feel different from it; my head reached the ultimate overdrive. i felt like i never ever had to do anything ever again. idk.. serious shit. never again lmao. sleep however, was incredible.. especially after that yummy bowl & ice cream sundae lol having a new notebook has been fire as shit. i'm glad my brain is back to the way it used to be: contemplative & creative. imagination is very fun! i'm pretty excited to go back to school already. this summer has been amazing but idk, i'm ready to go back to real life in a way. i hope i get my job back i mean i HATE mellow mushroom and those bastards i work with, but money is good and it is hard enough finding a job in this universe, let alone a college town.. i'm excited to move into my new apartment and decorate my new room and everything, i think it's going to be pretty tight. i wanna live this year already, see orlando in a new perspective: actually do the college thing. i spent my first year there depressed and on drugs in my room pretty much and yeah, didn't work out. i actually want to meet people, make new friends, do cool things: maybe join some sort of student organization thing or something.. and FOR sure get my GPA up; need my bright futures back lol.. i want to do this year right and i think i'm on the right track to do so. and maybe find a relationship, like a real one, not one of the stupid ones i've experienced in the past. idk looking at it now i never really cared about shit: i just wanted someone. i liked the attention or what i got from them: thats why i've never been affected by any of it.. and thats why everyone i ever gave my time to didn't deserve it and was the definition of loser or scumbag. i want to like really find what it could be like, the right way. i couldn't accept or if anything SEE who i am, now i do. i'm not scared about it i'm actually kind of excited. eh? lets see.. annnnd.. i want my mom and dad to come home already; this was nowhere near as fun as i was expecting it to be. my brothers are gross and i keep cleaning up their nasty messes, my younger brother can't do shit for himself at 16, and taking care of dogs that are not mine = not that fun. :) i love music!! adios for now.

|cmt. close to heaven or close to you? [21 Jul 2009|12:53pm] [ music | the voice of life. ] i'm pretty sure right now i still have no idea of what is what, or who is who, or how is why or whats old or new. the world's full of questions but floating with countless answers to oh, which question could it be? never the one your resolution need see. goodmorning? goodafternoon? how did i get here, where do i go to defeat fear? BANGBANG we all live on escalators.. taking us higher and higher until we can't reach any where else. why? because we always want the next best thing! whats new for you.. old things make you feel blue. my escalator keeps ESCALATING and i don't know how to reverse: STOP: travel back downwards. whats green is blue what lights seek hue? DESTROY IT deploy it we are living life to go... um.. WHERE? answers? nope not coming any time soon. WHY? NOT. DDoO yoU ask?! because then you wouldn't go looking for them yourself! they will not, i repeat, will not fall on your pretty little lap girl, boy, bitch, toy. shut.the.fuck.up. get the FUCK back on your escalator: life stops for NO ONE. i repeat, NO ONE. captain, command, order. SINK THAT BATTLE SHIP BITCH. who is you? whats old or new? what became what/ HOW became.. the fuck? answers to what? "i don't know" LIFE? stop not knowing.. say something useful for a change. YoU.haVe.a.VOicE. (inside?) ouT. my escalator keeps ESCALATING and i don't think i mind so much now. keep traveling, past the stars, galaxies, black holes.. endless array of beautiful swirls & colors corrupt with dirty souls. WHO THE FUCK...WHERE AM I GOING FROM HERE. nothing is ever the same because EVERY morning you a-w-a-k-e-n with a NEW soul, new GoaL. yesterday was never the same as today because OLD is not NEW unless you believe in lies; have you been s-niFFi-n gluE?! answers to umm.. what? there is no ESCAPing. there is no escaPe. what became what? how am i... what the fuck? HEARD YOU loud and CLEar. but maybe if you.shut.the.fuck.up for once the sky might reappear instead of being hidden behind douvet comforters of fluffy GREY clouds rain ain't coming girl, boy, bitch toy. grab a MoTHERfuckiNg umbrella - ella - a - a my GODDAMNED escalator keeps ESCALATING shit, bitch, whats happening? hit the roof on DiS one. eat, sleep, fuck, play. don't give me too many options in my answers you may find d-e-l-a-y i'm too primitive for these guessing games but i'm too evolved for... you. the voice of life is whispering little secrets in my ear: i know so much more than you do, now, then, forever.

|cmt. [16 Jul 2009|01:15am] [ mood | distressed ] [ music | audiobullys - we don't care ] the past has a way of always coming back to you, to haunt you, to fuck you, just make you realize what a dumbfuck you were. i really hope that this is nothing and that i'm going to be just fine, and life is going to go on just normally. but i can't help being scared.. trying to stay positive. trying to keep my chin up.

|cmt. bloop [14 Jul 2009|12:39pm] [ mood | happy ] [ music | bodyshaKer ] not so sick anymore.. the antibiotics are indeed working :) my parents leave for tahiti/bora bora/ french polynesia tomorrow.. i'm very jealous, but also ecstatic about the fact that i will have this beautiful house to myself (and my brothers of course but they don't really matter) for two and a half weeks. umm i got my housing information and i have a third floor apartment ;( assholes. i think i'm going to call and bitch because i specifically asked for 1st or 2nd.. 3rd floor doesn't have balconies only bay windows.. wtf do i want a bay window overlooking my parking lot for? "The way i see it is, if you try for something for so long and don't get it, you need to rework your priorities, because it is obvious that you're just wasting your life away wishing & wanting.." oh and i finally have an ipod again =) it's funny, i've found myself being so antisocial, at least having to pull away from all the people i used to chill with a lot. i'm not really that interested in sitting in a circle passing blunts around as much as i used to.. i mean yeah i still burn but eh im bored of that life. so i never really chill with everyone cos thats pretty much whtat they do, i only find myself going through when i have alcohol lol eh whatever with a new life you need to surround yourself with new people. i even had this kid, who will remain nameless, try and make me feel guilty cos i didn't want to go to his crib last night & do the shit i'm DONE with. that is stupid. i'm getting my life together.. i don't care if my friedns do that shit but don't try and make me. i'm way stronger than that sooo SUCKANIGGADICKOSOMETHIN. =) hungry, like always, so time for lunch.. then gym gotta keep up the sexy lol peaceeee

|cmt. OH SNAP!! [04 Jul 2009|12:49pm] [ music | cedric gervais BEINVENIDOS A CLUB SPACE ] WOW. is all i can say!!! i FUCKING LOVE SUMMER. i fucking LOVE MY LIFE! thats pretty much all i can say honestly. this past week has been the fuego! KRISTENS BACK!!!! my parents were in captiva all weeeek so sunday = fade. monday = fade! well monday there was a rave at my house lol everyone was rolling balls i was not we ended up tripping and wearing capes and having wands and running around like fairies and it was incredible lol. next day watched transformers with raf.. nigga i still do not know how he was unaware of MEGAN FOX and all her utter hottness. so wed i went to captiva with the fam it was w.e i hated it at first honestly but whatever i got a sick tan and caught up on my beauty sleep. fuego. came back just for dayglow yesterday!! start off this incredible weekend! i got back at like 8 showered and by nine timmy was over we went to buy some vodkas and beer and got some food. kristen came over with two of her homegirls after and we started our night! drinking and taking mad shots and finally went to dayglow. omg. amazing. there are not words to explain how much fun i had. i was SUPER wasted lol flask in my pocket getting wild as fuck. i was smacking girls asses in my face lol and just dancing insane. the paint was pretty crazy too lol my hair is hard now i must shower lol. club space is always insane in the music department too so i was completely jamming! after i had some interesting ass adventure at a taco bell that involved me in my bra in public? lol wtf i dont really car thats why i have a sexy body hahaha. we came back and went into my pool! idk what prompted us to do that but it was a great idea! woke up like UHHHH but still feeling chillen. oh and idk what it is but my body is DYING on me. like for sure i am dying lol. my lymph nodes are swollen throughout my body all over my neck/head/upper shoulders even one like around my hip. oh and one on my jaw area now that i found this morningi have to go get it checked out because i honestly have no clue whats wrong with me. my mom is making me an appointment for monday. this weekend = south beach! kristen has rented at the Royal South Beach hotel from tonight til tuesdya. i am SO excited its going to be sooo sick. we started off her bday weekend with a bang last night so its just gonna get better thats whatsup! i love my life :) this summer has been so craazzzyyy lol im getting mad partying in before i go back to school and gotta get serious!

|2 %%% | cmt. what what [27 Jun 2009|12:31am] [ mood | chillen ] [ music | murs ] well well look who is back to the online journal world. i was super bored and decided "hey i wonder what funny shit i would find on my old lj" and i found this little motherfucker. i deleted all the old entries because in a way its deleting all the negativity & unhappy evidence of the life i lived. its really funny because i had soo many entries about me and franco and i seemed so happy but at the same time i really wasn't.. at least not after the one year mark of our relationship. i dont hate the past and i dont hate the memories, but it is sad that we dont speak at all anymore. we ended on bad terms and pretty much we both just hated eachother.i realized though that i was not in any way in love with him. i loved him of course but i was not in love with him. i've yet to find out what that feeling is like.. thats life though on the other hand aside from those 'im so in love with you entries' i ahd those mega depressive, i want to kill myself entries. the last entry i had read i wrote a few days after i had gotten arrested. insane. its funny that was almost a year ago and its still haunting me in a way. i came home yesterday from the gym and there was a court notice because i never completed my advocate program bullshit. i was so fucked up this past year i dont know how i managed to finish off the year the way i did. i was unhappy and i for sure was not okay. i didnt take care of anything i had to do in school: i ended up on academic and disciplinary probation. i was so high and fucked up that i didnt do anything important but i turned it around.. its crazy how i realized that all.. it was slow. i think my change started with my car accident because seriously, i still do not know how i am alive. i spiraled down a lot this past year. with the coke and loneliness. my parents have been more than amazing and now i realize how everything they ever told me when i was in highschool was right: the life i was living was going to get me nowhere. bad things happen to you when you are doing bad things. my parents stood by my side through all that bullshit i got myself into when i was so convinced they were going to turn their backs on me. i love them so much for not giving up on me because i dont think i could ever have been as strong as them. i want to start writing in here again because i think its a new life; in march/aprilish i had my revelation. maybe it had to do with tripping lol but it really, 100% turned me around. i'm not exactly where i want to be yet, but im much closer. this journal is for nobody but myself. ive been in miami for the summer and its been beyond amazing. i've been having a great time and its funny how now that im not on drugs all the time i get along so well with my parents. i want to have a good relationship with them so im really trying. honesty is key also; they know all the crazy drunk college stories and they even let my friends come over and drink with me. i quit smoking cigarettes after two years.. CHECK accomplishment.. lets not fuck this one up again (when i read this in the future CHRISTINA YOU BEST NOT BE SMOKING AGAIN!) i still blaze, duh forever, but a lot less. like drastic change! i think ive accepted who i am a lot more than i ever thought i would. i was scared to be who i really was but you gotta love yourself no matter who you are. if you love yourself and are confident in everything you do you will always succeed. the world will turn in your favor. yeah, shit will still happen but forreal life will be a lot easier. im not a criminal, drug dealer, druggie.. none of the above. i am christina maza and im finally, genuinely happy.

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